Principle Overview:

The only way we can get a person to do anything is by giving them what they want.  What do most people want?

Health, food, sleep, money, sex. Most of these wants are usually gratified, but there is one longing, almost as deep and ingrained as the desire for food or sleep, that is seldom gratified: the desire to be important.

We tend to take the people in our lives for granted so often that we neglect to let them know that we appreciate them. We must be careful to keep in mind the difference between appreciation and flattery, which seldom works with discerning people, as it is shallow, selfish and insincere.  

Flattery comes from the tongue; appreciation comes from the heart.

Day in and day out, we spend most of our time thinking about ourselves. But if we stop thinking about ourselves for a bit and start thinking about other people’s strengths, we wouldn’t have to resort to cheap flattery and we could offer honest, sincere appreciation.  

With words of true appreciation, we have the power to completely change another person’s perception of themselves, improve their motivation, and be a driving force behind their success. When you think about it like that - when we have nothing to lose and only positive outcomes to gain - why wouldn’t we offer genuine appreciation more often?

Principle Overview:

Perhaps your favorite dessert is strawberry cheesecake. Excellent choice! Now, if you were to go fishing, would you bait your hook with cheesecake? Of course not -- that’s what you like, but fish prefer worms.  

Lloyd George, Great Britain’s Prime Minister during World War I, who stayed in power long after the other wartime leaders had been forgotten, was asked how he managed to remain on top. His response: He had learned that it is necessary to “bait the hook to suit the fish.”  

In other words, give people what they want, not what you want.

This principle is absolutely key in influencing others.  

To convince someone to do something, we have to frame it in terms of what motivates them. And in order to do that, we have to be able to see things from their point of view as well as our own.  

Most salespeople spend a lifetime selling without seeing things from the customer’s angle, wondering why they’re not successful as they completely ignore the customer’s needs.  

If we can put aside our own thoughts, opinions, and wants, and truly see things from another person’s perspective, we will be able to convince them that it is in their best interest to do whatever it is we’re after.

We are often tempted to argue with others, especially when we are absolutely convinced that we’re right about something. But even if we are right, what does arguing about it yield? Why prove someone else wrong? Is that going to make the person like us? Why not just let him save face, if we have nothing to gain from it but “feeling” superior?  

Not to mention, nine times out of 10, arguing just results in the other person even more firmly convinced that he is right.  

According to Carnegie, it’s impossible to win an argument. If we lose the argument, we lose; if we win the argument, we have made the other person feel inferior, hurt his pride, and made him resent us. In other words, we still lose.

What if, instead of arguing with someone, we admit their importance through appreciation? This can expand the other person’s ego so he can then become sympathetic and kind.

To keep a disagreement from becoming an argument, we can:

• Welcome the disagreement. If the other person is raising a point we haven’t considered, we can be thankful it’s brought to our attention. It may save us from making a mistake.

• Distrust our first instinctive impression. Our natural reaction to a disagreeable situation is to become defensive. We should keep calm and watch out for how we first react.

• Control our temper. Only negative outcomes result from a bad temper.

• Listen first. We can give our opponents a chance to talk without interrupting, and let them finish without resisting, defending, or debating.

• Look for areas of agreement. Surface those first.

• Be honest. Look for areas where we can admit error and apologize for our mistakes. This helps reduce defensiveness.

• Promise to think over our opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Thank our opponents sincerely for their interest. If they’re taking the time to argue with us, they’re interested in the same things we are.

• Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. In the meantime, ask ourselves honestly if our opponents might be right, or partly right.

Along similar lines of not engaging in arguments, we should also avoid telling someone that they’re plain wrong. If we begin by announcing that we’re going to prove something to someone, we’re essentially telling them that we are smarter than they are and we’re going to teach them a thing or two.

This comes off as a challenge. It arouses opposition and incites in the other person a desire to battle with us. 

 Even when we’re talking on the phone, our smile comes through in our voices.  

Carnegie tells a story of a computer department manager who was desperately trying to recruit a PhD for his department. He finally found the perfect candidate, but the boy also had offers from much larger and better known companies. When the boy told the manager that he was choosing his company, the manager asked why.  

The boy explained: "I think it was because managers in the other companies spoke on the phone in a cold business-like manner, which made me feel like just another business transaction. Your voice sounded as if you were glad to hear from me … that you really wanted me to be part of your organization."  

A simple smile can go a long way.

Principle Overview:

A person's name is a very powerful thing - it's an embodiment of that person's identity. It's a reference to them. So remembering and using someone's name is a great way to make that person feel important.

Calling someone by their name is like paying them a very subtle compliment. Conversely, forgetting or misspelling someone's name can have the opposite effect and make it feel as though we are distant and disinterested in them.  

Remembering and using people's names is also a critical component of good leadership. The executive who can't remember his employees' names can't remember a significant part of his business, and is operating on quicksand.  

Yet, most people don't remember names for the simple reason that they don't put in the effort to. We make excuses that we are too busy. We are introduced to a stranger and forget his name only a few minutes later.

Principle Overview:

Carnegie explains that he once attended a dinner party where he met a botanist whom he found to be absolutely fascinating. He listened for hours with excitement as the botanist spoke of exotic plants and indoor gardens, until the party ended and everyone left.  

Before leaving, the botanist told the host of the dinner party that Carnegie was a “most interesting conversationalist” and gave him several compliments.  

Of course, Carnegie had hardly said anything at all. What he had done was listen intently. He listened because he was genuinely interested.  

“And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk,” Carnegie notes.

Even the most ill-tempered person, the most violent critic, will often be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener.  

Take for example, a store clerk. If the clerk constantly interrupts and irritates customers, those customers are more likely to start arguments and bring frustrations and complaints to the store manager. But a clerk who is willing to listen could calm even a customer who storms in already angry.  

Most of us are so concerned with what we are going to say next that we don’t truly listen when someone else is speaking. Yet, most people would prefer a good listener to a good talker.

Remember that the people we are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their own problems than they are in us and our problems.

Principle Overview:

We now understand that people like to talk about themselves and have others be interested in them. The next best thing to talking about themselves is talking about the things that they enjoy.  

Whenever Theodore Roosevelt expected a visitor, he would stay up late the night before, reading up on whatever subject he knew particularly interested his guest. And that is because Roosevelt was keenly aware of the following idea:

Carnegie describes a story from a man named Edward Chalif, who was planning to ask the president of one of the largest corporations in America to pay for his son to go on a Boy Scout trip.  

Before Mr. Chalif went to see him, he had heard that this man had drawn up a check for a million dollars, and that after it was canceled, he had had it framed. Upon meeting the man, he mentioned how much he admired the check and would love to see it.  

The man was thrilled! He talked about the check for some time, until he realized he hadn’t asked why Mr. Chalif was there to see him. When Mr. Chalif mentioned his request, the man agreed without any questions and even offered to fund the trip for several other boys as well.  

Mr. Chalif later explained, “If I hadn’t found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn’t have found him one-tenth as easy to approach.”  

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests benefits both parties.

In other words, we should all be happy - and excited - to do something for someone else when they can’t do anything for us in return. As we’ve reiterated throughout each of these principles, the one all-important law of human conduct is to always make the other person feel important.  

And just as the Golden Rule states, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

We are often tempted to argue with others, especially when we are absolutely convinced that we’re right about something. But even if we are right, what does arguing about it yield? Why prove someone else wrong? Is that going to make the person like us? Why not just let him save face, if we have nothing to gain from it but “feeling” superior?  

Not to mention, nine times out of 10, arguing just results in the other person even more firmly convinced that he is right.  

According to Carnegie, it’s impossible to win an argument. If we lose the argument, we lose; if we win the argument, we have made the other person feel inferior, hurt his pride, and made him resent us. In other words, we still lose.

Instead of starting with “You’re wrong,” what if we were to say, “Well now, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. If I am wrong, I want to know why. Let’s examine the facts.”  

The latter approach becomes disarming, and often causes the other person to be much more reasonable, or even thank us for having an understanding attitude. It also (hopefully) inspires our opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as we are.  

In fact, it’s really not the ideas themselves that are so important to us, but our self-esteem, which is threatened when we are told that we’re wrong. Without our egos threatened, we may become very open to exploring new possibilities.

Carnegie tells a story of taking his dog to the park without a muzzle or a leash, and running into a police officer who scolded him, as this was against the law. The next few times Carnegie took his dog out, he kept him on a leash, but the dog didn’t like it. So the next time, Carnegie let the dog run free. When he ran into that same police officer, he knew he would be in trouble.

Instead of waiting for the police officer to start reprimanding him, he spoke up, saying that the officer had caught him red-handed, he was guilty and had no excuses, that the officer had already warned him. The policeman responded in a soft tone, told Carnegie he was overreacting, and that he should take his dog to the other side of the hill where he wouldn’t see him.

If we know we’re going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?

Through Carnegie’s quick and enthusiastic admission of fault, he gave the police officer a feeling of importance. After that, the only way the policeman could nourish his self-esteem was to take a forgiving attitude and show mercy.

If we’re angry or frustrated at someone and we go to them with our temper flaring, we’re sure to have a fine time unloading our feelings toward them. But what about the other person? Will our belligerent tones and hostility make it easy for them to agree with us?

If we approach the other person with our fists doubled, this will only lead the other person to double his fists twice as fast. If instead we come to him and say, “Why don’t we sit down and talk this through so we can understand why we disagree,” we’re likely to find that we’re actually not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the ones on which we agree are many.

When a person feels negatively about us, we can’t win him to our way of thinking with all the logic in the world. We can’t force someone to agree with us, but we can lead them in that direction if we are gentle and friendly with them.

Business executives have learned that it pays to be friendly to strikers, that they are able to shift the strikers’ perspectives and win their loyalty by addressing their needs as friends and peers, instead of suppressing their voices and acting as dominants.

When talking with people, we should never begin with the points on which we disagree. We should start by emphasizing the things on which we agree, and be sure to convey that we’re both striving for the same result - our differences are in method, but not purpose.

The key is to keep our opponent from saying “no,” as this is a very difficult sentiment to overcome. As soon as someone says “no,” all of her pride rests upon her being consistent with that “no.” When a person says “no,” she immediately withdraws herself and guards against acceptance.

What we want to do instead is get the person saying “yes” as soon as possible. This starts the person moving in the affirmative direction where no withdrawal takes place. Our opponent now has a very accepting, open attitude.

Socrates has become very famous for the “Socratic method,” by which one asks another person questions with which they have to agree.

 Most people who try to get others to agree with their perspective do too much of the talking. Instead, let the other people talk themselves out. They know their problems better than we do. Let’s ask them questions and let them tell us a few things.  

We are often tempted to interrupt someone when we disagree with them. But we shouldn’t interrupt - it’s very dangerous. They won’t pay attention to our thoughts while they still have a number of their own to express. We must listen patiently and with an open mind, and be sincere in encouraging them to share their ideas fully.  

This principle helps in both business and family situations. Carnegie tells a story of a woman who couldn’t get her daughter to do her chores. Instead of yelling at her for the hundredth time, the mother one day simply asked her daughter sadly, “Why?”  

Her daughter let loose the thoughts and feelings she had been bottling up - her mother never listened to her and always interrupted her with more orders. The mother realized all she had been doing was talking, not listening. From then on, she let her daughter do all the talking she wanted and their relationship improved significantly.

 Don’t you feel much more strongly about ideas that you came up with than ideas that are handed to you by others? If so, why should we try to jam our ideas down other peoples’ throats? Isn’t it much wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion?

No one likes to feel like they’re being told what to do. We much prefer to think independently, have autonomy, and act on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about what we think and what we want.

So how can we use this to our advantage? When we’re trying to win someone to our way of thinking, we can guide them there - get them halfway or so - and then step back and let them see the idea through to completion.

Take the case of a man named Mr. Wesson, who sold sketches for a design studio. He failed hundreds of times in getting one of the leading New York stylists to buy his sketches. One day, he tried a new approach. He took several incomplete sketches to the stylist and asked how he could finish the designs in such a way that the stylist would find them useful. The stylist offered his ideas, Mr. Wesson had the sketches completed according to the buyer’s ideas, and they were all accepted.

If we’re truly only after the results, why care about the credit? Why not let someone else take the spotlight, so long as we can achieve what we’re out to get?

 One of the fundamental keys to successful human relations is understanding that other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think they are.  

Don’t condemn them; try to understand them.

If someone feels negatively toward us, once we begin apologizing and sympathizing with their point of view, they will begin apologizing and sympathizing with our point of view.

Everyone wants to feel understood and have their troubles and opinions recognized. Use this to turn hostility into friendliness.

 People usually have two reasons for doing things -- one that sounds good, and the real one. A person will recognize on his own the real reason he does something. We don’t need to point it out. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good.

In order to change people, we must appeal to the nobler motives.

Take, for example, a landlord who had a tenant that decided he was going to break his lease four months early. The landlord could have handled the situation by pointing to their contract and listing all the consequences that would follow, but he instead had a talk with the tenant and said:

“Mr. Doe, I have listened to your story and I still don’t believe you intend to move. I sized you up when I first met you as being a man of your word. Take a few days to think it over, and if you still intend to move, I will accept your decision as final.”

The result? The tenant concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to his lease. By appealing to the tenant’s nobler motives, the landlord was able to persuade him successfully.

Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. In most cases, people will react favorably if we make them feel that we consider them honest, upright, and fair.

 To be effective in convincing someone of our ideas or our argument, it’s not enough to merely state a truth. If we truly want someone’s attention, we have to present that truth in a vivid, interesting, dramatic way.

We get down on one knee when we propose as an act of dramatization - we’re showing that words alone aren’t enough to express that feeling.

We make games out of chores so our kids will play along and find it fun to pick up their toys when they get to make a pretend train around the playroom.

Carnegie tells a story of a salesman who walked into a grocery store, told the owner that he was literally throwing away money on every sale he was making, and threw a handful of coins on the floor. The sound of the coins dropping got the attention of the owner and made his losses more tangible, and the salesman was able to get an order from him.

 Most people have an innate desire to achieve. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of competition - everyone wants to outdo others and be the best.  

When nothing else works in winning people to your way of thinking, throw down a challenge.

 Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, did a study of the work attitudes of thousands of people, ranging from factory workers to senior executives. He discovered that the one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting or interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it.

This is what every successful person loves: the game. We seek a chance for self-expression, a chance to prove our worth, to excel, to win.

It’s much easier to listen to unpleasant things after we’ve been praised for our good points. That’s why the first step to changing people without offending them is to begin with appreciation for their strengths.  

For example, if a colleague writes a speech for a conference that we feel is too lengthy or inappropriate for that particular audience, we might start by complimenting her speech and noting that it would make for a great blog post.  

We could point out a few reasons it would be better suited for a written post than a speech, but chances are that even from our first mention, she’ll come to realize our point. Because we told her it would be a great fit for something else, she’s not offended that we thought it was a bad fit for the conference.

 Most of us respond bitterly to direct criticism. When we’re looking to change people without offending them or arousing resentment, simply changing one three-letter word can be our key to success.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and their critical statement. For example, a parent trying to convince her son to care more about his school work might say, “We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester.But if you had worked harder in your math class, you would’ve done even better.”

In this case, Billy might feel encouraged right up until he hears the word “but,” which leads him to question the sincerity of the initial praise. The word “but” makes it seem like the praise was only a contrived lead-in to his mother’s criticism.

However, this situation could easily be reversed by changing the word “but” to “and.” See how different it sounds: “We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester, and if you continue your efforts next semester, your math grade can be up with all the others.”

Now it’s much easier for Billy to accept the praise, because there was no follow-up with direct criticism.

The next step to changing people’s ways without inflicting negative feelings is to admit that we are also susceptible to mistakes.

It is much easier to listen to a description of our own faults when the person criticizing begins by humbly saying that he is also far from perfect.  

Carnegie gives an example of hiring his niece, Josephine, to be his secretary. Josephine made many mistakes on the job, and though Carnegie was tempted to criticize her for her flaws, he took a step back and realized that he is twice as old as Josephine and has ten thousand times her business experience. How could he possibly expect her to have his same viewpoint and judgment? He realized that Josephine was performing better than he had been at her age.  

When he approached Josephine, he told her that she had made a mistake but goodness knows it was no worse than many that he himself had made. He noted that she was not born with judgment, that it comes only with experience, and that he had done many stupid things himself. “But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?” he concluded.

No one likes to take orders. What if, instead of telling people what to do, we gave them the opportunity to do things themselves, to learn from their own mistakes?

Instead of saying “Do this” or “Don’t do that,” we should more often say, “You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?”

We long remember brash orders we’ve been given, times we’ve been screamed at - even if they were done to correct a bad error. But if we ask questions that give people the opportunity to correct errors themselves, we save their pride and give them a feeling of importance.

Asking questions also stimulates creativity, leading to new ideas and better solutions.

 When we disagree with someone, even if we are right and he is definitely wrong, we only destroy his ego by causing him to lose face.

 Carnegie offers an example of an accountant whose business was mostly seasonal. As a result, every year he had to let a lot of employees go once the tax rush was over. He began by sitting each down and explaining, “Of course, you understood you were only employed for the busy season…” but naturally, he was met with disappointment.  

He then decided to begin the conversation by instead telling each employee how valuable he or she had been to the organization, and pointing out specific qualities that he appreciated in them. The result? The employees walked away knowing that if the business had been able to keep them on, they would have, and they felt much better about themselves.  

We are so quick to criticize that we seldom offer others the opportunity to save face, especially when a considerate word or two and a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude is all it would take to alleviate the sting.

 Take a brief look back on your own life to this point. Can you think of a time when a few words of praise have had a hand in shaping the person you've become?

One of the most powerful abilities we have is helping others realize their potential. We can do this by praising their strengths. Yet, this is something we do so infrequently. It's much easier to point out someone's faults. Even when it's tough to find things to praise, try hard to find something.

We should also praise often. By noting even small steps and minor improvements, we encourage the other person to keep improving.

We should also be specific in our praise. When praise is specific, it comes across as more sincere, not something we're saying just to make the other person feel good.

Similar to appealing to people’s nobler motives, giving the other person a lofty reputation to live up to incites in them a desire to meet those expectations.

 Carnegie offers an example of a mechanic named Bill whose work had become unsatisfactory. Instead of berating or threatening Bill, his manager simply called Bill into his office and told him:

“You are a fine mechanic, you have been in the business for many years, and we’ve had a number of compliments on the good work you have done. But lately, your work has not been up to your own old standards, and I thought you’d want to know since you’ve been such an outstanding mechanic in the past.”

The result? Bill once again became a fast and thorough mechanic. With the reputation his manager had given him to live up to, how could he not?

If we tell our children, spouses, or employees that they are stupid or bad at a certain thing, have no gift for it, and are doing it all wrong, we strip them of any motivation to improve. If instead, we use the opposite technique and openly encourage them as they take steps toward improvement, we’ll inspire a much higher level of motivation to continue.

 Carnegie offers an example of a boy who was struggling with algebra. His father made flashcards for him, and every night his father would time him on how long it took for him to get all of the cards right. Their goal was to do it in under eight minutes.

The first night, it took 52 minutes. The boy thought he’d never get there! But every time he knocked off a few minutes - 48, then 45, 44, 41 - they would call in his mother and the three would celebrate and dance a little jig. This gave the boy the motivation to keep improving, and even made it fun, until he got so good that he hit his goal and did it in eight minutes.

The final key to being a leader and changing people without arousing resentment is to make the person happy about doing what we want them to do.

 If you’re having a hard time convincing your child to do a chore, offer to pay her a dollar for every time she does it, and take away a dollar for every time she doesn’t.  

If you choose another internal candidate for the job, tell the one who didn’t get the job that you felt he was too important to the organization in his current role to reassign him.  

If you have an employee who struggles with a certain task, appoint her to be the supervisor for that task, and watch as she improves immediately.  

Offering incentives, praise, and authority are all great ways to make a person happily accept our decisions and do what we want them to do.